I think one of my resolutions for 2012 should have been “To Be Less Awkward.” I thought it was time I updated you on the most recent awkward silences, stares, and stutters that have infiltrated my social life. Please – do laugh at my expense!
Setting: The streets of my neighborhood.
Scene: Come home from work. Change into workout clothes. Put the collar on the cat, and let him outside for the duration of my run. I like to do a quick 1/2 mile warm-up walk before my actual run, and have just started a new loop towards the back of my neighborhood. This part of the street has a lot of kids, mainly playing basketball or rollerblading by me. On the return half of the loop, about four houses down from me I spot Mario. On the neighbor’s porch. Pouncing on God Knows What. I only stop and stare for a half second before I yell, “Get over here, now!” He looks at me like I’m crazy. So then I snap my fingers for emphasis and say, “What are you DOING? *Snap* Get over here! *Snap* Now! *Snap*” Must have worked! He came slinking up to me. First thing I notice is he doesn’t have his collar on. “You little rascal…what did you do with…” and then I noticed. Same orange fur. Same fat belly. Same eyes. But not my cat. This cat was indeed, not my little Mario. I started fervently petting the kitty and practically scream, “Nice Kitty…Pretty Kitty…” before I am the one slinking off…praying that the neighborhood kids do not start calling me the crazy lady who yells at other people’s’ pets…
Yeah…that’s not awkward!
Setting: Massage Therapy location.
Scene: I had been fighting a headache for three days, so I call the massage place and ask if they can fit me in. No problem. Appointment made for 6:30 pm with “one of our best.” I arrive at the location, sign in, and head back to the waiting area. My therapist introduces herself, asks if there is any area she should avoid, if there was any area she should focus on, and then takes me to my room. I undress down to my skiivy’s, lay down on the bed, listen to the relaxing waterfall/yoga music, and wait for the therapist to enter the room.
She smiles, sits down, starts rubbing my head, and says, “Wow, you’re hot.”
At this point, the relaxing music screeches to a halt in my head, and I murmur, “Hmm?”
She says, “You are really hot.”
I say, “I…umm…don’t really….umm….” OMG – is she hitting on me??? Then there is the ever-present sound of crickets chirping.
She looks at me with a deadpan face and says, “Do migraines always make your body temperature rise?”
Yeah…that’s not awkward!
And it’s only mid-January. Ay-yi-yi.